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What’s hardest is starting out. And vacation has ruined me and destroyed my good habits. So I’ve got to restart my cardio, gym, and eating on my own. I had a gym buddy, cardio buddy, and a food buddy before to help motivate and push me to be my best at the beginning of summer, but now I’m alone again. It sucks, but I’ve got to push myself to get a routine back for my last three weeks here before school starts. Hoping to find a new gym/cardio buddy once I move back to school so I don’t have to be completely alone. The eating will be the hardest there, but I’m sure I can get my friend who goes there now to agree to join me.

Honestly, I don’t care if people come visit me at work. It’s a nice sentiment but work is still work.

However, I do remember the people who said they would come but never did. You’re all talk. Don’t bullshit me, because I’ll remember. I have two weeks left and I’m not expecting any of you.

Depression isn’t just something you can talk about. You can’t just bother your friends saying “I’m sad” and not have a reason why. It doesn’t work like that. I’m just now realizing that when I was younger I made things up to compensate for that. Like when I convinced all my best friends I was moving. I was utterly miserable but I couldn’t tell people that. Instead I shared my misery with them through the fact I was moving away forever. (people were pissed when I came clean and said I wasn’t really moving.)

I’ve grown up a lot since then and I’m not a liar or a prankster anymore. But it’s still hard for me to express my feelings sometimes when I can’t justify having them. Yeah, maybe I feel like crying. Maybe I feel like bleeding. Maybe I want to die. Why do I feel that way? I don’t know, obviously I’m just a freak.

Life is hard

Thinking about coming completely out of the closet. Not that I’m really in the closet, but miraculously quite a few people who are important to me still don’t know that I like girls and guys. I am both totally uncaring of what people think and quite scared to hear some reactions to be honest.

When I drink too much alcohol, I get ridiculously depressed, so to help cope with random icky thoughts that have been slowly cropping up, I’m going to sleep a little buzzed tonight. My vacation ended tonight, so I’m about to enjoy a drink and my last unhealthy meal before I kick up the health nut and start work back up. Three weeks until move in and I don’t know how that feels.

It’s my fault we’re not together. No matter how ridiculous that notion is I can’t talk my way out of feeling that way. Half of the feelings I have on a daily basis are because of you. It might be easier to hate you than to love you

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